Post by leslieemery2 on Apr 18, 2014 10:09:25 GMT -5
I had my DD 11/19/13, she was two months early and was only 2 lbs 3 oz due to severe complications that went undetected during my pregnancy. She was in the NICU her first month, she was perfectly healthy just small. Ever since she came home at 36 weeks gestation in December, she's been an inconsolable nightmare.
She was so sweet and sleepy in the NICU but I assume it's because A. She was still so young, 32-36 weeks gestation. And B. She was fed my breast milk through a feeding tube til 2 days before she came home. I had to stop pumping, I was only getting 15 mL's total at my peak and it went down to only 5 mL's from both breasts combined when I quit, despite pumping 8 hours a day all together. She came home on Neosure and has since switched a few times an we are using Alimentum right now. She also takes lansoprazole twice a day for reflux.
We've tried everything. Gripe water, gas drops, different formulas, different swings, baby wearing, all sorts of antacids, different feeding positions, different bottles (literally tried every. Single. Bottle. At babies r us), swaddling, not swaddling, a wedge in her crib, chiropractor, Tylenol, baths, walking, swaying, you name it, we've done it.
I'm so sick of it. She cries from the second she wakes up til the second she goes to bed. I sleep trained her a few months ago, which has helped in some ways but now she's a bear to get to nap. She won't play with anything, won't let me read to her, won't let me cuddle her. Our experience has been nothing like I imagined, I will even say I don't like her very much. I love her. But I dread waking up in the morning because I know she will be inconsolable.
We have next to no support, we only have her dad (who is just as frustrated as I am) and my parents who still work full time, my mom works nights and my dad isn't a kid person (he didn't want me and has told me that of that gives you any clue as to why she doesn't go to her grandparents very often). Both of my siblings have passed away, no cousins and my parents siblings are less than savory characters, my boyfriends family is the same but addled with drugs and alcohol. We don't have any friends in the area, either. It's not like we keep her to ourselves to be selfish, but because we literally have no one and can't afford daycare so I stay at home.
I'm at my ropes end, I have been for about a month. She was in the hospital for a week last month because she stopped eating and lost a pound. She does this a lot. She will only take about 15-20 oz a day, she's supposed to be at 27.5 a day. She has a horrible latch sometimes but never does it when we are at an appointment. And when she does it, it has to be dark, silent only with me shushing, in her bedroom, walking and reminding her to keep going because when she stops to breathe, she won't start eating again without me reminding her to keep going. Her doctor isn't too worried yet, we go in twice a week for weight checks because she is prone to weight loss.
I imagined lots of cuddling, breast feeding and an inseparable bond with my baby. But it's all crying(both of us), trying to console her and feeling like a failure. Nobody understands, all of my friends are 2.5 hours away, and they all had easier (I'm not saying their babies were saints, just nothing like my baby) kids. I feel like they think I'm nuts because I never have anything positive to say anymore. How can I when I have to keep my cool 24 hours a day and try to pacify my screaming daughter? I'm a person who has always worn my emotions on my sleeve, I've ah to acclimate to temporarily bottling up my frustration until a time deemed appropriate to let it go. This is so tough, I feel like giving up but I can't. I don't know what to do anymore.
She was so sweet and sleepy in the NICU but I assume it's because A. She was still so young, 32-36 weeks gestation. And B. She was fed my breast milk through a feeding tube til 2 days before she came home. I had to stop pumping, I was only getting 15 mL's total at my peak and it went down to only 5 mL's from both breasts combined when I quit, despite pumping 8 hours a day all together. She came home on Neosure and has since switched a few times an we are using Alimentum right now. She also takes lansoprazole twice a day for reflux.
We've tried everything. Gripe water, gas drops, different formulas, different swings, baby wearing, all sorts of antacids, different feeding positions, different bottles (literally tried every. Single. Bottle. At babies r us), swaddling, not swaddling, a wedge in her crib, chiropractor, Tylenol, baths, walking, swaying, you name it, we've done it.
I'm so sick of it. She cries from the second she wakes up til the second she goes to bed. I sleep trained her a few months ago, which has helped in some ways but now she's a bear to get to nap. She won't play with anything, won't let me read to her, won't let me cuddle her. Our experience has been nothing like I imagined, I will even say I don't like her very much. I love her. But I dread waking up in the morning because I know she will be inconsolable.
We have next to no support, we only have her dad (who is just as frustrated as I am) and my parents who still work full time, my mom works nights and my dad isn't a kid person (he didn't want me and has told me that of that gives you any clue as to why she doesn't go to her grandparents very often). Both of my siblings have passed away, no cousins and my parents siblings are less than savory characters, my boyfriends family is the same but addled with drugs and alcohol. We don't have any friends in the area, either. It's not like we keep her to ourselves to be selfish, but because we literally have no one and can't afford daycare so I stay at home.
I'm at my ropes end, I have been for about a month. She was in the hospital for a week last month because she stopped eating and lost a pound. She does this a lot. She will only take about 15-20 oz a day, she's supposed to be at 27.5 a day. She has a horrible latch sometimes but never does it when we are at an appointment. And when she does it, it has to be dark, silent only with me shushing, in her bedroom, walking and reminding her to keep going because when she stops to breathe, she won't start eating again without me reminding her to keep going. Her doctor isn't too worried yet, we go in twice a week for weight checks because she is prone to weight loss.
I imagined lots of cuddling, breast feeding and an inseparable bond with my baby. But it's all crying(both of us), trying to console her and feeling like a failure. Nobody understands, all of my friends are 2.5 hours away, and they all had easier (I'm not saying their babies were saints, just nothing like my baby) kids. I feel like they think I'm nuts because I never have anything positive to say anymore. How can I when I have to keep my cool 24 hours a day and try to pacify my screaming daughter? I'm a person who has always worn my emotions on my sleeve, I've ah to acclimate to temporarily bottling up my frustration until a time deemed appropriate to let it go. This is so tough, I feel like giving up but I can't. I don't know what to do anymore.