FTM Desperate, Sad, Lost...

[pilotmom]

Hi. I am new to this site and a first time mom as of August 2013. My son J is about 10 weeks old. This pregnancy was unplanned but both my fiancée and I looked forward to becoming parents and could not wait to meet our little guy. I was especially excited to be having a son, naively thinking boys are a bit easier to raise than girls (because I was such a hellion as a teen haha) but that's all out the window now that J is here.

At two weeks old J started to become very fussy. The only time he didnt cry was when he slept or ate and maybe if he was being held but even that didnt always help. I would mention this to people and everyone said things like, "Welcome to parenthood." Or "Yes well that's what babies do, they cry." - It made me feel awful for being overwhelmed but I kept remembering that a few years back I worked in a nursery with 6 or 7 babies at a time and NONE of them cried like my son does. Not ever. As he has grown it has just gotten worse. Now he doesn't fuss he just screams, sometimes for hours on end, and nothing I have tried will fix it. I am afraid to go back to work because everyone who has tried to help me with him including my own MOTHER is scared off by his episodes. I would never hurt him but I have been so mad lately... Just mad at the whole world. This has brought out the absolute worst in me and I don't know what to do anymore.

My situation is made worse by a family tragedy that recently took place - my sister has been on life support in the ICU at the hospital for a while with a rare blood infection. So I'm trying to be there for her because I'm the only family nearby and I'm also trying to help my baby. I never sleep. I barely eat. I cry every single day, sometimes even in public. Every time I see a mother or father with a happy, bouncing baby cooing happily I just die inside. I can't even take my son to the corner store and back without getting "those" looks like "what are you doing to that poor kid?"

My heart is broken. Maybe I sound dramatic but it's true. I've had a tough life; grew up in a drug addicted household and suffered neglect and abuse and now I start my own family vowing to do things very differently and I get this baby who is absolutely miserable most of the day no matter how much I care for and love him. I fight with my fiancée too because he never wants me to go anywhere without the baby or have any me time and I'm going crazy. I'm already on anti-depressants because J would not breastfeed after week 8 and I just lost it. I feel like a horrid mother. I don't know what to do at this point but wait it out. We have tried so many things.... Everything I see other people have tried. Some of it helps a little but not enough to say the problem is solved or even lessened much.

What on earth have I done to deserve this? I can't bond with this baby much when he cries and cries and cries until I want to run screaming out of my home (where I'm a prisoner) and just keep running until I am far away. This is awful. I told my close friend the other day that if I ever get pregnant again I will have to be committed to an insane asylum. I'm not kidding. Sometimes I wish I was already there. Sometimes I wish I was dead. I just need help.

Sorry for the long post. I had to get it out. Thanks.

[Ftm]

Hang in there, that's what I keep telling myself. We are at week 10. Mine started crying at day 2. Or should I say "screaming". I've googled just about everything. Tried new formula and reflux meds with no relief. I've researched & found info on high needs & am terrified that may be what I'm dealing with. Does anyone know if high needs babies scream inconsolably?

[pilotmom]

I am worried sick about that too. Everyone says it goes away. But what if it doesn't? What if this is just my child and he's always needing constant attention and has to be watched every minute of every single day? I don't know what the H E L L I will do.

[Ftm]

I have somewhat of a trick that has slightly saved my sanity. Dip the pacifier in mommys bliss gripe water. It's sweet, they love it. If we ever go anywhere we make sure to take it with us. I know it may not work for everyone but it's atleast a shot. We dip his pacifier probably 15 times a day....I ran it by the ped and she said its fine, whatever you gotta do to get through.

[pilotmom]

That's interesting you came up with this because we do it too. It does help quite a bit. Lately my baby won't take his Paci at all but up until now I thought it was a great idea. Good tip for anyone who hasn't tried it.

[amber lorraine]

pilot mom, hang in there. im so sorry your going through this difficult time. I will tell you that I went through the SAME exact thing. As a matter of fact, I didn't plan this pregnancy at all and me and my husband were not even engaged when it happened, but we embraced it and have a 7 1/2 month old baby boy now. For the first 4 months at LEAST, all he would do is cry from about 5pm-9pm every single night, and during the day be extremely fussy but not always scream like he did at night. I was like, " this is what being a mother is? NEVER sleeping, and having your ears pierce from the screams?" people are already asking me if im going to have another baby and I laugh at them because no way in f**king hell (excuse my language) will I ever have another child. Even now, more times than not I am so overwhelmed by the thought of having no life, constantly tending to my needy baby, and he STILL wakes up sometimes twice a night and never sleeps through the night consistently, but at least he sleeps now somewhat he used to be up every hour or 2 around the clock for a long time. On facebook, other girls are glowing with motherhood saying " I love being with my baby its so nice, or "my baby is now consistently sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old" im like gonna puke reading it, because I felt tortured going through so much stress. Also, im so sorry to hear about your sister. I lost my twin sister to a tragic car crash 3 years ago (not even 3 years ago yet) and im heartbroken still, and it really contributed to my post partum depression along with him having bad colic. Hang in there, and be there for your sister, the drs can do amazing things nowadays and be thankful she is still here. I would give anything to have my twin sister, my whole entire life back. I honestly believe theres nothing more stressful besides the fact of losing her, than to be thrown into motherhood esp when you didn't plan it, to be not sleeping, hearing screaming all the time, and downright exhausted from the huge adjustment of becoming a first time mother. its really really really really hard.

[pilotmom]

Amber - thank you so much for what you said. I am certainly not glad you went through such a difficult time, loosing your sister and being tossed head-first into motherhood unexpectedly, but it is extremely comforting to know that I'm not alone here. I've been forced to acknowledge my PPD issues too; the scary thing is Im already on medication and still struggle with it. We have a lot in common. My fiancée and I were not engaged when we found out we were expecting either. I often wonder if he asked me wanting to "do the right thing" or because this is really what he wanted. He says he is happy. I am happy for short periods of time in between all this chaos; a ten minute shower is like heaven, last week I cleaned for an hour (yes my little monster took a real nap that day! For once!) and that made me feel happy... But I relate very much to your sentiments about wanting your life back and finding that motherhood is NOT anything like you expected. Like I said, I worked in a nursery with at risk babies whose mothers were often drug users and even those infants didnt cry like my son! Some days it is relentless! I cry a lot - not just tears but sobbing and choking while I try to catch my breath. It feels like a panic attack. I am so scared that my child will never be happy. People say its not forever but then I hear stories about how many colicky babies are very difficult children as well and my heart sinks. I want to be positive but it's hard when I'm so so tired. Oh and yes, the mommy friends of mine on Facebook make me feel like C R A P too! One of them brags constantly about her daughter and how she is still breastfeeding at one year and sleeps 13 hours straight and laughs at everything and on and on.... Im like, oh good for you! Shut up! Lol. On a more serious note; you loosing your sister like that must have been soul crushing. Thanks for the wishes for my sis as she tries to get well. Sisters are special. I'm truly so so sorry you have suffered such horrible things lately. We must have some good things coming? I don't know. If there is karma in the world I think I'm due.
Take Care

[raylene58]

pilotmom I feel your pain, my baby J 10 weeks as well cries in his boppie as I write this. He lasted 30 min, better then 15.. Hes progressed lol but I feel its my duty to respond. I have felt every feeling you described. I wanted to go away in a cave and come back when he is 5 so I know what he needs. I have the most horrible thoughts and I am afraid to tell people my real feelings on motherhood. I have been so depressed as I barely have time to eat, shower or tend to any basic need before he starts crying. Hes always gotta be on us and even then he still cries at times. He cries and fusses 90 percent of his waking hours. I get nothing done and my family lives far away. I have felt trapped in a re occurring scenario that feels like it will never end. Please don't do anything rash, If you need to text me everyday and whine to keep your sanity, I will give you my info... I know it feels like eternity, like you forgot what happiness is. I basically feel like no one will see me for a year, wont make plans, and even feel bad when I go run an errand and my hubby has him alone. I dont know when it will pass but it will, so I have just accepted it for now, that this is life, and hold on to the fact that it will get better. When ? No one knows. I go back to work tomorrow and have a ton of mixed feelings... Happy to have a mental break and talk to adults and get out of the house, cuzz lord knows I have had cabin fever... But then I dont want to be bothered by co workers wondering why Im so sad and not happy. Im also terrified to leave him with some one else when I work . Like what if day 1 they say they cant handle him . So please know you are not alone. We will get our joy at some point. we have to stop comparing ourselves to those people with babies who barely even make noise, we have to let go and just be like.. This is the hand I was dealt for now and find coping strategies, like this. If I have to write you everyday I will because I too know how depressed and isolated Ive felt for 10 weeks, and Im the most sociable person in the world.

@ ftm Colic high needs. Its all the same to me. I changed his formula to soy, it helped but I doubt gas is why he cries and is fussy. I looked at the high needs indicators and he has many of them. So prior I was clinging to 3-4 months and Im home free, but then Im like what if hes just high needs. So Im not putting an expectation out there. Just accepting its how things are now and they can only get better. I just pray to GOD every night its sooner then later so I can actually enjoy motherhood instead feel like a prisoner. And its funny people ask are you having another, right now I can say no 100 percent. I dont know if I could go thru this again, no one ever talks about this stuff and you cant tell the people with normal babies. You feel so ashamed of all the horrible thoughts you have, but who can blame you, with no sleep, cinched ears and the fact that you probably have done little to nothing for yourself, its only a natural reaction.

I read all of your letters for support ..knowing Im not alone helps me get thru the day..... I will pray for all of our babies, and any progress I will post. He has gotten better slightly, I just continue to experiment t and revisit things I gave up on earlier. And The crib can wait, do what gives you sleep for now. Me and hubbs switch off nights with him swaddled next to us so at least one person gets recharged each night.

[PilotMomm]

Thanks Raylene, I can relate to so much of that, especially the way you describe feeling at first. Thank you for your support and I hope things keep getting easier for us both.

[raylene58]

PilotMomm how has this week been?

[raylene58]

ps I think hes pulling out of it at 11.5 weeks, see my other posts on the other threads on the colic poll. There is hope.. Hopefully Im not speaking too soon.