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Guilt?
Jan 9, 2008 14:13:19 GMT -5
Post by llamajenn on Jan 9, 2008 14:13:19 GMT -5
Ok, I know I can be neurotic, but I was wondering if any of you have experienced this.... When I look back at pictures of David during his first few months -- or even when I just think about how fussy he was -- I often feel guilty about doing something wrong or at how frustrated I got. I'm pretty sure on an objective level that colic isn't caused by something I was doing, but sometimes I still feel that way. I just look at pictures of this cute, tiny little baby and remember how angry I got at times. It makes me want to cry. No, I never hurt him or anything like that. But I got so frustrated at not being able to stop the crying and the fussing and angry because I wasn't getting much sleep at all (which I KNOW made me even worse). I feel like a bad parent. He was my first, so from time to time I start second-guessing myself. Maybe I should have let him sleep on his stomach earlier. Maybe I should have supplemented with formula earlier because he was so hungry (even though he was gaining plenty and the doc said he was getting plenty to eat). I don't know! Mainly I feel guilty about losing my patience with him. He is so sweet and happy now, it's hard to remember how difficult he was at the beginning. (Hopefully that gives hope to those of you still in the midst of colic hell.) My husband keeps reassuring me that I couldn't have done anything else and that he got frustrated, too. So I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Maybe it's that time of the month and I don't know it, and I'm extra emotional. Who knows. Sometimes I just wish I could go back in time and try things differently...though I'm not sure what. Or I wish I could re-do it all and have infinite patience to deal with him because I know that it will pass. Well then again, I would rather NOT re-do it! We made it through once, and hopefully that will be it. So anyway, feel free to tell me that I'm obsessive. It won't be the first time I've heard that! But honestly, I'm guessing some of you may relate a little? Thanks, Jenn
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Guilt?
Jan 9, 2008 14:39:20 GMT -5
Post by pamcrt on Jan 9, 2008 14:39:20 GMT -5
Jenn, There are so many times I look at Abby, especially when she's asleep and think how in the world could I have ever been so angry and resentful of this baby? I love her more than anything and she's such a perfect gift from God, why did I get so... upset, angry, bitter, ugly, want to throw myself out the second story window of my house... but then I remember the colic (oh how I try to block it out) and know that is why. Does Abby still try my patience, YES, is she demanding, YES, but would I trade that smiling, laughing, LOVING baby girl... no way. She's my angel. As far as looking at pictures, at least you have them. I can't find any. The only person that has pictures is my mom and I think she only has them of when Abby is born. As far as we know, there are none of Abby until around June so that would have made Abby around 2 - 2 1/2 months old. But I can still only vaguely remember that time. My husband and I will talk about it occasionally and he will tell me that I was really stressed and that I didn't get out of my p.j.'s a lot and that I didn't leave the house often, but I have very few memories of that time. Now, tell me if that isn't selective memory or what? And tell me if that doesn't make me feel bad... But Abby has turned into a very... spunky little baby who keeps me on my toes. She is constantly getting into things and I think she is going to grow up thinking her name is Abby no-no!! But she has an infectious smile that keeps me going these days and so for that... I guess I'll keep her! Yeah, i could stress about all the things that I "did wrong" or could have done differently, but hind sights always 20/20 so what good would it do me now to rehash that crap? I'm just grateful I got through it. (And she wasn't even my first so I had a slight idea of what I was doing) So don't beat yourself up, you did what you had to just to survive... we all did. And David is a happy healthy baby boy who will grow up none the wiser of what happened in his "early" days... unless you inform him on those days when he won't cooperate and you have to hold over his head your labor pains and the colic days!! You're a good mom so don't worry! Pam
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Guilt?
Jan 9, 2008 14:54:21 GMT -5
Post by llamajenn on Jan 9, 2008 14:54:21 GMT -5
Thanks, Pam. It's reassuring to read your experience. It sounds pretty similar. As far as the "trying" and "demanding" part -- yep! -- that's David, too. But he's awesome and fun and sweet also.
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Guilt?
Jan 9, 2008 15:31:27 GMT -5
Post by Sim on Jan 9, 2008 15:31:27 GMT -5
I feel the same way, though Connor is still going through colic. On his good days I look at him and just think... 'How could I get so frustrated, there must be something better I could be doing...' And like Pam was, I still am sometimes. Don't bother getting out of the clothes I passed out in, or feel so tired and worn out that I don't know how I'll even get the energy to brush my hair. I usually just end up keep it back with a grungy bandana. But then I think, I'm just doing the best I can and that's what I guess really matters.
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Guilt?
Jan 9, 2008 18:30:59 GMT -5
Post by mel5mel on Jan 9, 2008 18:30:59 GMT -5
Jenn, i have had te same talk with my husband multiple times, esp. now that hes generally a happy well adjusted smart smiley child. I lost my patience so many times i cant even count in those first three months, i think we put too much pressure on ourselves... my friend and I had that conversation this past week about how i felt bc i was his mom i should know why he was crying and be able to make it better. I remember getting so mad i would just scream at my husband one of the things being why couldnt i have a "normal" child... now looking at my "normal" child I am so glad that hes here and perhaps even the colic was woth it when other people .... not me i never compare him esp. after those first few months when all those other angels were sleeping and my devil child was screaming from 5 am until bed..... Give David and hug and be reassured there is a reason babies dont remember anything... i just keep telling Payton how smart and wonderful he is... however it is followed by i wouldnt have told you that three months ago.. i kept wanting to sell you on ebay... but im glad that i kept you
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Guilt?
Jan 9, 2008 19:09:25 GMT -5
Post by aliki on Jan 9, 2008 19:09:25 GMT -5
Oh how I relate...except I am still in the thick of it. Today has been horrible..she has been screaming adn crying since 7:30 am with a couple breaks for a catnap, or to eat. I was a crying mess this morning, so full of resentment and just so exhausted. I had to set her down to cry and shut the door and put a pillow over my head. It was the best I could do. I have never been through something so difficult in my life, and I have been through some trying times...yet I know that feeling of when she is mellow, and looking up and smiling at me, where I think..why was I so angry and upset and so HATEFUL...I would never admit that anywhere but here, but I know you guys understand. In those moments I feel that badly. I love her so much, and feel so guilty for having such terrible feelings, and wish I could just be perfectly patient and loving all the time..but with colic this bad, it is just near impossible. Days like this are so horrible, and I feel so brokenhearted..it is hard to imagine that one day it will be better, but you guys all tell me it will be.
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Guilt?
Jan 9, 2008 19:10:49 GMT -5
Post by aliki on Jan 9, 2008 19:10:49 GMT -5
hahahah...sell him on ebay!!! I love it!!! I keep saying I want to take her back to the store for a full refund!!
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Guilt?
Jan 9, 2008 19:29:10 GMT -5
Post by pamcrt on Jan 9, 2008 19:29:10 GMT -5
Oh man, me too. I swore up and down they switched her at the hospital only I couldn't figure out how because of the security bracelets and tags... hhmmm... but yah, taking her back to walmart, top priority only I figured because I didn't have a receipt, they would turn me down!!! hehe
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Guilt?
Jan 10, 2008 8:10:27 GMT -5
Post by mel5mel on Jan 10, 2008 8:10:27 GMT -5
take her back to costco they take anything... and the big joke was all i wanted was 50 bucks to recoup the loss for the diabetic testing supplies and meds.... now i guess ill keep him... he seems to like me now
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Guilt?
Jan 10, 2008 8:17:07 GMT -5
Post by pamcrt on Jan 10, 2008 8:17:07 GMT -5
Man, I was out $2000 out of pocket because my doctor was out of network and I refused to see anyone else (this was after my husband lost his job and the pregnancy was almost already paid for and we had to get different insurance). I did not want to change dr.s my last 2 months so we just figured out how to pay it... so I guess when she gets older I'll make her pay me back!! Yah, the sad thing is, Abby seems to ONLY like me...
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Guilt?
Jan 10, 2008 9:53:10 GMT -5
Post by mel5mel on Jan 10, 2008 9:53:10 GMT -5
I am lucky in that way i guess P doenst make strange yet... but i am that type of mom who would say cry all your want grammie is holding you right now.... i guess that comes from being a nanny and watching other peoples kids cry in my arms saying its ok but your stuck with me now kid so sorry for you... and i was really lucky me the gal who never gets sick gets diabetes and luckly my husbands heath insurance covers all our meds except for 2 bucks... and here in the great white north we dont pay to go to the hopsital which was lucky because after i found out i was pregnant i was pretty much at a dr, or a hospital or a gyno or a test be it blood or ultrasound every week
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Guilt?
Jan 10, 2008 11:11:23 GMT -5
Post by Sim on Jan 10, 2008 11:11:23 GMT -5
You gotta love Canadia's health care system! With us we had $30 copays for visits and an extra $1000 for delivery costs to my OB. And after 14 hours of hard induced labor, I broke and got an epidural which our insurance apparently doesn't cover so we're paying $600 for that. Woo, babies are expensive. On the subject of guilt, is it weird for me to feel guilty to be going out tonight? For a few reasons really.. This will be the first time that we've left Connor, besides with my parents when we visited, and been more than a stones throw away. Also I feel guilty because I feel antsy about leaving him with my SO's family who will be doing the baby sitting. They have 3 kiddos, so I know they're no stranger on how deal with a baby, their youngest being just a year recently... But he is/was NOT a high demand baby. His diaper could be sagging off him, it's so full, and he would just sit there in his crib saying and doing nothing. The Bratty Brat is so much the opposite, he wants to be standing and up in everyone's face and then he has what's left of his colicky spells during the time he'll be over there. And it'll be worse for them because he's going to be freaked out about how noisy their house is. Their kids are very loud and all over, and their TV is always on really loud... and that just usually upsets him more. Anyway, I just know I'm going to be thinking about calling the whole time we're out...
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